Side Eighteen: Airline Travel

I was in Chicago this week for work. I attended an amazing internal communications conference that filled me with ideas and enthusiasm for my job. It also made me thankful that there are no children to tote around while flying.

My flight home yesterday had several families on board. I think they were coming from a spring break trip somewhere - the little girls had those strings looped in their hair, the moms carried big bags with Mexico emblazoned on the side, and the dads were slightly sunburned. I watched the parents haul the kids and the bags onto the plane, try to settled into the seats and just corral the madness. I popped my iPod in, cracked my book and dove into my own world.

On a weird side note, I am reading "We Need to Talk About Kevin." The part of the book I read on the plane was the mother remembering why she got pregnant (she wanted to see what motherhood felt like, mostly for a lark) and how she felt nothing when her son was born. It was a strange book for me to read right now. Although the possibility of motherhood is slim to nil, I do get the notion now and then to try all our options for parenthood. But then I wonder why would we do that? Isn't our life now, as it is, satisfying for me? My mind spins in circles as I wonder if our life now is good, or good enough, or am I missing out on anything, or am I being selfish, or would I like being a mother, or or or or....

Back to my post...

When the plane landed, I tucked my book away, slung my bag over my shoulder and made my way to customs. I watched these two parents lug three small children off the plane. One was asleep, so the mom was carrying him, the two girls struggled to get backpacks on. One was the distracted child - isn't there always one - who stared out the window while her family left. The mom kept talking to her husband like he was one of the children, and he was getting snippy back. Ick.

Toodle-ooo!

When Husband and I fly, we keep the carry-on to one, we sit in the very back, we have our headphones handy and we thank the goddess that we are travelling sans bebe. I do not envy my sister for travelling long distances with G & E. I do not envy parents who try to corral the chaos on a plane. My chaos is contained to my head right now, as the book I'm reading brings me an identity crisis. Which will pass... it always does when reality settles back to its proper spot.

Side Seventeen: Not Paying Teenagers

Every now and then, Husband and I like to go on a date, like most married couples. We'll go see a movie, maybe go for dinner, a walk or something date-like. These dates are usually spontaneous. If we're feeling extravagant, a night out will cost us about $30. $50, if we go the theatre.

Talking with my friends with children, date night is a different story. The logistical planning that goes into one of their dates rivals the military. Where can they go? How much will it cost? Can we have some wine? Can they get a sitter?

When the moon hits the blogger's eye, like a big pizza pie on a date.

Not only are my friends with kids paying for the movie or dinner or tickets, but they have to add the cost of a sitter. In my day, I didn't charge a lot. I remember getting about ten bucks for an evening. These days? I hear some babysitters have hourly rates. An evening out for parents can cost, what, forty bucks in babysitters alone! (Please correct me, parents, if I'm wrong. Naturally, I'm out of the babysitter-hiring loop.)

Being a childless couple means Husband and I can go out and enjoy an evening without hearing dollar signs chinging for every hour we're out. Our dates cost the price of admission, not paying some teenager. Huzzah!

Side Sixteen: Small Cars

Husband and I bought a new car a couple years back, in the heady days when we thought children were in our future. It's a small car - a 3-door hatchback - and it's perfect for us. But woo, did we catch some flak for buying the car we did.

At the time, we still had not decided to actively try for a family but we knew we were open to the idea of children. We shopped a bit, and ended up buying a Hyundai Accent after Husband's best friend gave us a glowing recommendation. As soon as our families heard what car we got, the comments came.

We were told that we should have gotten a mini-van. We should have done what they did and buy a tricked-out SUV. The car was called a buggy, and people wondered how we would fit all the kid things in a tiny car like that. Won't someone think of a car seat?

Not the Author's car, but it could be if she wanted. She has no kids to lug around. 

Fast forward a few months and that tricked-out SUV is a lemon, and children are still no where in our future. So while those who gave us all the "advice" are driving behemoths, Husband and I are zipping around town, in and out of parking spots, happy as larks that we did not cave into their ridiculous pressure and do what they did. Our backseat is delightfully empty, and the trunk has a snow brush in it. That is all.

Not having children means not having to drive big, clunky vehicles. Our little car is a breeze to fill up and maintain, and is reliable enough to get us back and forth across the country without ever once breaking down. Thank you all for your (never heeded) "advice".

Side Fifteen: Adult Food

Husband and I like spicy food. We eat a lot of curries, hot sauce and peppers, and we like trying new foods. And I am a lucky wife. Husband eats anything I serve him. There's no turned-up noses or piles of sprouts pushed to the side of plate.

I understand that children can be fussy eaters. When they are really young, you can feed them anything. Goodtimes used to have miso soup. G gorged himself on broccoli. But as they are getting older, the fussiness is setting in. Gone are the days - for now - of savoury and grown-up meals in my sister's house. They have settled into the days of grilled cheese sandwiches and fries.

On a shelf in my kitchen, there sits a row of cookbooks that I love to pour over and find new recipes. I am looking forward to to cracking open a new book about spices. Once, my sister was wondering what to make for dinner and I suggested Spicy Peanut Chicken. As soon as the word "spicy" left my lips, my sister shook her head, knowing that no one in her home would eat it. Sucks to be in the home with no Spicy Peanut Chicken.

Now pardon me while I go make a chipotle sauce for the fish.

Oh. Pardon me for my infertility.

I am infuriated by a new report out today about infertility. The report says infertility rates are on the rise, yet no research is done as to why those numbers are rising. That would have been helpful. But it is this paragraph that has my blood boiling: 

"Canada's pregnancy specialists have been sounding an alarm over the risks of deferred motherhood. The Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada — which has just issued new guidelines to doctors on "advanced reproductive age" and fertility — worries that women are placing too much blind faith in high-tech fertility treatments to help them conceive once they're ready to have a baby."

So, in my 20’s, when I was at the height of my fecundity I should have had a child? Forget that I was an emotional wreck, unstable in my career, and in relationships with all the wrong men. Yes, I should have birthed the spawn of whatever douche I was with at the time so that now, at 36, I would not be facing infertility with my husband. Is that what these scientists are suggesting?

There may be some women out there who put off children, but then there are some of us who did not meet the right partner until we were well into our 30’s. It’s not that I wanted to focus on an education, a career, travelling, or anything else other than a child. I was not emotionally or financially prepared to have a child. If I had a baby at 26, I would have been a struggling single mother. Instead, I chose to wait until I found a good partner, and in that stable relationship have a child. I was 34 before Husband I decided to try for a family because by then, we were stable in our marriage and in our lives to have a child. Biology has played a cruel joke on Husband and me. 

The article then goes on with the scientists complaining that more health care money is spent on multiple or complicated births associated with fertility treatments. We infertile folk just can’t win!

Are they advocating that women have babies no matter what their situation is at the time when they’re most fertile? Wouldn’t they then bitch about having to support single mothers, poor children, and all the social problems that can come from unstable women having babies? Take your pick.

I’m not having a baby so I can live the life of Riley then pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments. I’m not having a baby because Husband and I are physically unable to. 

Side Fourteen: Being Sick

I am fighting a nasty, nasty cold right now. It's knocked me on my butt, and I had to stay home from work yesterday with a stuffy nose, a cough and a fever. I spent the day sleeping and wallowing in my misery. I can spend a day doing that since I have no children needing me.

Friends and family with kids have told me that when they're sick, there is no day off. They can't just crawl into bed with a box of kleenex and a system full of ny-quil because the children need them. That sounds dreadful to me. Yesterday, in the depths of my despair, caring for another human was the furthest from my mind.

The author, who is very sick.

 

My sister told me that her kids are always bringing germs home for the family to share. G will go to play-group and come home with a stream of thick, green snot pouring from his nose. That splendour will work its way to the rest of the family. E will come home from story time at the library with a stomach bug that is soon spread like butter to the whole house. Last summer when we moved home, I caught the grossest cold. I love G and E and Goodtimes, so I played with them, hugged them and cuddled with them as much as I could. Completely unaware that they are germ-carriers, I caught this mutant strain that knocked me on my ass for days.

The lack of children in my home means that there are no little people to bring home whatever germ is floating the daycares and play groups these days. It also means that when I do get sick, I can whimper and wallow in bed until I feel better again. Being barren while being sick is a healthy thing.

Side Thirteen: Mobility

It's been a tumultuous fall. Hell, it's been a tumultuous year. I will be glad to kiss 2011 goodbye and move forward with hope for a change. Husband and I moved home to Nova Scotia is spring to be closer to family and to settle there for good. We made our plans, saved our money and plotted every detail. The one detail we failed to plot was the abysmal job market. We are both educated and experienced, but we could not find work to save our souls. In fact, one employer told me, while telling me I was passed over for a job, that my experience is "good but not good enough for Halifax." I have my theories as to why the job market seemed so insular, but Husband and I were done with Nova Scotia. Almost six months after arriving, we left again, this time for Victoria, BC. I was in the running for a few jobs, and we figured it was a safe gamble. While on the way there, I interviewed for a great job in Ottawa, and shortly after pitching up in Victoria, I was offered that job. So we packed up and moved to Ottawa. Have I mentioned how we moved? We packed our Hyundai Accent hatchback and drove across the country... three times.

So yeah, this has been a shiteous year.

We're settled now in Ottawa. My job is fantastic, and we found a lovely apartment in downtown Ottawa. Our car is unpacked and our atlas is tucked away. As Husband and I reflect on the past year, we're thankful for each other, and try to take lessons from what we endured. One of those lessons is: "Thank god it was just us!"

The road less travelled. Except by the Author.
Photo courtesy fo freedigitalphotos.com

You see, if a child was in our lives, we would have never done what we did. True, that might be a good thing, but our experience has taught us a lot. If we had a child, we would have never takent he chance and tried to live in Nova Scotia. We would have stayed in Edmonton where, quite frankly, we weren't that happy. If we had a child, we would have never taken the gamble and go to Victoria. We would have remained at my parent's house until some crappy job turned up, most likely one not in our fields. We had to go to Victoria, to be in a city that held a lot of good memories for us. We got that out of our system. If we had a child, we would never have taken the leap and move to a brand new city, in a highrise downtown. We've been able to take chances, make mistakes and make good moves, all without worrying about a child in tow. Now, we're settled, happy and picking up where we left off.

Being barren has allowed us to take giant risks and try something different, fall on our faces and find redemption again. Those life lessons are a huge upside to barrenness.